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Talk to the hand

JUST GO WITH IT: Resistance to the phone and computer update is futile.
JUST GO WITH IT: Resistance to the phone and computer update is futile. Lee Constable

MY PHONE and computer long to update. They yearn to update. They relentlessly demand I allow them to update.

If I ignore them, they send me repeated "requests”. Ha! As if I have a choice.

Resistance is my power and I use it and ignore them. There is a temporary truce and then another front in this veiled war between me and the device opens up.

If I continue to ignore them they do a giant sulk. Things won't open unless I update them and if I, in exasperation, finally heave a huge sigh, yield and press the dreaded update button, the device immediately becomes very bossy and demand I delete things from my computer.

How about your photos, it sneers, how many photos of your cat do you need?

It's another version of "computer says no”.

As you know, you can never win an argument with a computer. They are like psychologists - they are never wrong.

With a computer, if things don't work, it's clearly your incompetence. Just as a psychologist can refer to resistance as "buried anger issues”, your incompetence (e.g. mine) is a direct result of an ongoing refusal to read Help files. As if.

In situations such as these, my favoured method of resolution is to press all the buttons wildly. The addition of loud cursing can add to the flavour of the event but has no discernible impact on the intransigence of the device.

Be careful, though, because at this stage you are vulnerable to a lot of condescension masquerading as helpful advice.

But eventually the computer will win because even if you turn it off, when you turn it back on it remains firmly stuck until you comply with its hideous demands. You will have to let it update. You cannot avoid it, so turn the bastard on, press yes and then go out, leaving it behind, because it won't be quick and it's better for your health if you abandon the field of battle and do something that pleases and delights you. Something that has nothing to do with that old demon technology.

High-tech whiz Elon Musk said he was very concerned about the implications of artificial intelligence. We should all pay attention. These small domineering incursions are only the tip of the iceberg.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Topics:  airdre dr grant


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