Raring to rule ... again

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

LABOR party powerbrokers have called in a group of historians to rewrite history in the hope that they can dust off former Prime Minister Kevin Rutt for another go at the top job.

Current Prime Minister Julia Gizzard is rapidly losing party support after all of her policies proved unpopular, or illegal.

One party insider said they hoped Australians would accept a new version of Mr Rutt's prime ministership.

He was also considering a new haircut and one new tie.

"At the moment the history books suggest that Mr Rutt wasted a whole lot of money on dodgy ceiling batts that burnt down homes, computers that never actually turned up and tiny tuckshop buildings suitable only for Smurfs," the insider said.

"He also might have spent all the money saved by the previous government on plasma televisions and the administration kind of came to a halt because he tried to run it by himself.

"There was also a couple of incidents involving chicken and hair dryers."

The insider said the new version of history would present Mr Rutt as an environmental hero who saved children from the drudgery of pre-iPad computers and cut obesity by building tuckshops too small to store excessive food.

"Kevin 11 will be the man who gave the nation big screen sport to take their mind off the problems he created, taught us to live more frugally because we had less money and tried to take full responsibility for the country to allow everyone else to have a bit of a rest," he said.

Political scientist Ray Pontificate said Mr Rutt may have been unpopular but the popularity scale was set much lower, making an 18% approval rating look "spectacular".

"At the moment Mr Rutt is unpopular, Julia is really unpopular and nobody has heard of anyone else," he said.

Some backbenchers fear that a return to Mr Rutt could collapse the government because the independents who hold the balance of power might not like him.

NSW independent Rob Buckshot said, if there was a change of leadership, he would need three weeks to consider it and around 23 minutes to explain it to the Australian people.

Treasurer Wayne Duck denied there was leadership speculation.

"That could be because nobody ever tells me anything," he said.

"I'm 100% behind everything and everyone."

Mr Rutt said he would not speculate on a leadership challenge but he was happy to look smug when asked questions about it.

"Certainly I would relish the opportunity to be back in the Lodge, plotting my revenge on the faceless men and women, and some with faces, who tossed me out," he said.

"Hang on, did I say that out loud?"

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is not based on any real characters or events.

Topics:  humour humour column opinion thirsty cow

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

LGBQTI* community takes part in marriage equality action

VOTING FOR CHANGE: Maude Boate will be at the the marriage equality action at Lismore City Hall.

Lismore calls for awareness on marriage equality

Woman felt 'dirty, ashamed' over partner's abuse

Lismore Court House. Photo Cathy Adams / The Northern Star

"I thought I was going to lose my life to this person"

Siege inquest: Police took too long to act after shooting

DAY THAT SHOCKED THE NATION: A panicked hostage runs to tactical response officers after escaping from the Lindt Cafe in Martin Place, Sydney.

The coroner is handing down his findings into the Lindt Cafe siege.

Local Partners

Ballina Shire Council will not back ski jump project

BALLINA Shire councillors announce they are not supportive of the DA lodged for a proposed Olympic facility at Lake Ainsworth.

First female superhero film in 12 years

AMAZON: Actress Gal Gadot in a scene from the film Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman opens next Thursday

What to expect at Birds of Tokyo's Ipswich gig

The band will perform at the Racehorse Hotel on Friday.

BAND member Glen Sarangapany talks music, pub grub and doing shoeys

Pauly puts stereo back into stereotypes

PAULY: Paul Fenech is a comedian of Maltese and Aboriginal descent.

'A bourbon-fuelled bogan subwoofer bonanza of comedy.'

Dreamworld may supersize with 'Disneyland expansion'

OWNERS of icon Gold Coast theme park Dreamworld want to super-size the site with accommodation and entertainment to turn it into Australia’s Disneyland.

World’s strongest man reveals incredible 12,000 calorie diet

Brian Shaw won his 4th World's Strongest Man title. Source: Twitter

World’s strongest man reveals incredible 12,000-calorie diet

ABC2 slammed over football exhibition match coverage

Fans weren't too happy with ABC2's coverage of Wednesday night's game.

ABC2 slammed for coverage of soccer exhibition match

'Bulls--t!' Lisa Wilkinson grilled over Karl's pay packet

Join us for a Great Night as we Proudly present Lisa Wilkinson

“And you believe everything you read?”

Rebel Wilson trial: The secret we never could have known

Rebel Wilson outside court

“Most people wouldn’t know it exists,” she said.

Janet’s back in the ring

Marta Dusseldorp returns in season three of the TV series Janet King.

Season three of ABC's legal drama delves deeper than ever before.

Game of Thrones drops new trailer for season 7

Game of Thrones fans have been given a new trailer for season 7.

Fans are finally getting a full-throttled peak at season seven.

How Toowoomba house prices compare in Australia

For sale sign in front of home.

Here's what $700,000 will buy you in Toowoomba, Brisbane and Sydney

One of Maryborough's most historic homes is still for sale

FULL OF HISTORY: Trisha Moulds is owner of the historic Tinana state known as Rosehill. The beautiful home is currently for sale.

It has been the scene of both joy and tragedies over the years.

The face of the Sunshine Coast's overpriced rental crisis

Alyx Wilson had to rent a $385 unit in Currimundi because the market was too competitive for cheaper rental housing. She is now renting a room from friends who own a house in Currimundi, and says its much more affordable.

Young people feel the strain in competitive, expensive rental market

WATCH: Take a tour of a tradie's dream home

5a Bruce Hiskens Court, Norman Gardens, going for $720,000. INSET: Lea Taylor.

Huge block with potential for anything

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!