Sophie shocks with wrong choice
BLINDSIDING Australia, Sophie Monk has nixed fan favourite James from The Bachelorette with a surprising lack of emotion and zero explanation.
James is the whole package. He's nice, charming, has a great job. He has chemistry with Sophie and, over recent weeks, she enjoyed dates with him and beamed - BEAMED - about how much she liked him.
But now - dressed in a stunning form-fitting geometric print gown which she honestly looked just terrific in - Sophie has let James go with no real explanation. And it could be her worst decision.
Making the move all the more perplexing, Sophie is now left with a tall pink man, a magician, a rich old person and someone in their 20s with a lot of unjustified cockiness.
It's slim pickings in The Bachelorette mansion now, my friends. It's like when you get to the Myer boxing day sale one week after it started and all that's left is a tangled pile of clothes in weird sizes and when you go to pick it up, you find a half-eaten toasted sandwich underneath.
Things are dire.
Yes, Apollo is hot and I would like him to do unspeakable things to me. Yes, Stu is rich and I would like him to fund my lifestyle. Yes, Jarrod's family owns a winery and I would like to order some bottles online as long as I don't have to deal with Jarrod in person.
But they're not James.
Wednesday night's episode opens and the boys are looking really different this week.
Sophie comes along and tells them Osher has another annoying game for them to play.
Part of the game involves doing some weird personality test that sees them all constructing a pie chart out of coloured triangle wedges which represent their personality traits.
Here's my own as an example.
All the boys basically lie about their personalities and fill their charts with an abundance of positive qualities. Sophie keeps it real and about 50 per cent of her chart is swallowed by the "disorganised" wedge.
In perhaps an early sign of what's to come, the compatibility expert on hand points out a stark difference between Sophie's chart and James' chart. While she's extremely disorganised, he's insanely organised.
The compatibility expert makes a massive deal about this difference in organisation levels and apparently James' desire for the bills to be paid on time and the magazines on the coffee table to remain in a neat pile will be the catalyst for an ugly and damaging relationship breakdown.
Stu eventually wins this dumb challenge and Sophie asks him straight out why he's single and if he's a playa.
Before he can answer, we interrupt and inform her playas don't hold their wine glasses like ladies with their legs crossed or use wet-look hair gel and then they kiss.
The following day, Blake scores his first single date and Jarrod is so perturbed he slams the decision as "crap!" We don't like Blake, but we love how much he annoys Jarrod so we're cool with the date going ahead.
The day's uneventful and pretty much follows the same format as all my first dates. It begins with them squeezing nipples together and ends with Sophie making this face.
By the time the rose ceremony rolls around, we're begging for something decent to happen because this episode has been rather boring and I need a headline.
We conclude the lack of drama must be because Jarrod is about to get eliminated and producers don't want the terrific scenes of his face becoming more pink with anger to be overshadowed. It all makes sense.
But, suddenly, Jarrod gets through. What's this? We're left with Apollo and James.
Apollo's hot, but he's super young and Sophie clearly likes James more. Apollo will go home.
But he doesn't.
"Apollo," Sophie whispers, giving the burly tanned man the final rose. James is left standing alone and empty-handed.
James gets emotional as he falls into Apollo's arms and nuzzles into the nape of his neck. He sniffs Apollo's natural scent of - what I imagine to be - sex and sandalwood.
Keeping it gracious, James kisses Sophie on the cheek and thanks her. Now's the time Sophie usually gives some kind of reason or shares some personal words with the eliminated man. For guys like James, she may even take them out to the patio to have a deeper conversation.
But that doesn't happen. Without explanation, she sends him on his way.
Like a bad breakup we didn't see coming, we start to run scenarios back through our heads to try figure out what went wrong.
The only thing that stands out is the pie chart. That damn pie chart - illustrating in brightly coloured cardboard how organised James is and how disorganised Sophie is.
James immediately regrets being so organised.
Back at the hotel, as he logs online to check-in early for tomorrow's flight and does a stocktake of the minibar to double check he won't be charged for something he didn't eat, he stops himself. He slams the fridge door shut.
James pushes his neatly laid-out clothes off the bed and onto the floor. He pulls the covers down and crashes face-first into the mattress.
He knows he should turn the lights off and set an alarm before he goes to sleep, but he doesn't.
Thirty-odd years of organisation has left him alone - with nothing to show but a tidy home and bills that are always paid on time. James is ready to be reckless. He's ready to be ... disorganised.
For more observations on squeezing nipples and being a two-faced bitch, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir