In the Picture

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Directed by Chris Weitz

Rated M

Aaah, the life of a teenage girl: mooning around in love with one inappropriate boy who you’re not having sex with until he leaves you and you moon around by yourself until you meet another inappropriate boy who you don’t love until he doesn’t want you then you moon around some more.

It’s all so dramatic and tragic.

And tedious.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is, like, the most teenage movie ever made. It’s long, takes itself far too seriously, is pretty enough to look at in an immature sort of muted way, has nothing of interest to say, is obviously trying to suck you in to an ever-expanding franchise. And no-one smiles.

I was so drained by the mind-numbing tedium of this movie that I was grateful when my mobile phone went off (something that should have been terribly embarrassing) and I had to stab around in my handbag to turn it off so at least I had something to do other than look at the screen and hope for a glitch in the space-time continium that would turn two hours into 10 minutes.

This was my first foray into the Twilight marketing empire and I’m certainly not in a hurry to go back again but then, it’s not aimed at me because I’m not a teenage girl.

I quite like the vampire genre. I’ve seen every episode of Buffy, read the Anne Rice books, seen the Underworld and the Blade movies.

But those have actual vampires that suck blood (unless they’ve had their souls restored and have to live off animals), can’t go into daylight and get into fights.

The Twilight vampires just seemed to have super powers that they use to mope around not killing things. The only death in this supposed werewolf versus vampire flick comes via heart-attack (the character must have had much more excitement than the audience).

I’ve since found out that Stephanie Meyer, the author of this excruciating series, is a Mormon, which explains why the teenagers don’t drink alcohol, take drugs, have sex or have anything interesting to say.

The only thing I’d say in favour of this movie is that at least the star Bella (Kristen Stewart) isn’t into the Paris Hilton-type princess culture. That doesn’t make her a good role model for girls in itself though. She still suffers from the fairytale problem of needing to be continually rescued by a man (even if that man does turn out to be a vampire or a werewolf).

It also ends in a soap-opera way, with a question that cannot be solved until the next painfully constructed installment.

I for one won’t be tuning in again; give me a DVD of Buffy any day: at least she knows how to stand up for herself, tell a joke and kick some arse – and she does it all in heels.

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