The Adventures of Loon in Umpireland
The Loon was quite content standing behind the stumps and having nothing to do. Of course, he did have to keep a record of all the overs in his little book, but he hadnt drawn any pictures or written down any conversations. How hard can it be to write a book without pictures or conversation? thought the Loon.
So just as he was considering, in his own mind (as well as he could, for the first day of the competition made him feel anxious), whether the confrontation of warning a bowler for running on the pitch would be worth the trouble, there was a loud appeal.
There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did the Loon think it so very much out of the way that he gave it not out. Except that he overheard the keeper say to himself, Oh dear! Oh dear! That should have been out!
Then suddenly, like a Darrell Hair, the whole game disappeared down a rabbit hole, and the Loon, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again, jumped in after it.
The rabbit hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that the Loon had not a moment to think about stopping himself talking before he found himself falling down a very deep well.
Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for on the way down he had a lengthy, sniping discussion with himself about his decisions. I didnt think it was going to hit..., the batsmen gets the benefit of the doubt..., it was missing the off stump... and Ive already warned him three time informally... all tumbled out of his mouth in a completely uncontrolled fashion at inappropriate times.
Down and down the Loon fell from his position of authority back down into the rabbit hole of self justification.
Well! thought the Loon to himself, after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. Why, I wouldnt say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house.
Down, down, down, he fell. Why dont I just shut up, the Loon thought. Its my decision, it doesnt matter what they say. But no, on he went trying to convince them he was right.
I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! thought the Loon. How funny itll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think its called, isnt it?
Well I suppose thats another lesson, the Loon thought. As the umpire you dont need to argue the point. Your perception of events is all that matters there is no room for debate, its just polite to give them an idea of how you saw it. And thats it... end of story.
The Loon landed with a thump and looked around bewildered. And so began the Adventures of Loon in Umpireland. With deepest, heartfelt apologies to Lewis Carroll.