Warning: read only if drunk

As you may recall, resident clown doctor Benhur Helwend had the insight to realise that the recent Socceroo World Cup campaign was undermined by SBSs Socceroo anthem competition and the lame-o, half baked winner of that comp, Green and Gold. So he dared the Loon to knock up a ballsy, drunken, loud anthem for the Socceroos. When we discussed the masterpiece we decided it needed to be based on a song that people knew, it had to be undeniably Strayan (ie a bit crass), and had to be about football, sort of.

After 10 minutes of gruelling mental exercise we knocked up this absolute winner. However, having re-read the lyrics it became obvious to me that people shouldnt read it without being drunk, very drunk. In fact this new anthem shouldnt even be perused by people who arent completely shattered. If youre the sort of person who only drinks half a glass of champagne to toast in the New Year then you should go to another part of the paper NOW. Go and read that lovely S fellow or the TV guide, which is always popular. Truly, forget about this column as the Humble, Thoughtful, Kind Witty Loon you know and love has been possessed by the poisonous and not very likeable Crassius Loon the Drunkard.

Still reading eh? Well, on your own head be it, and dont go writing to me telling me this song is in poor taste etc etc etc I ALREADY KNOW. I mean, what did you expect? Youll never walk alone, The Marseilles or Jerusalem? Cmon, this is Straya our gifts to the world of culture includes Rolf Harris, Kylie Minogue and Acca Dacca. And I for one am particularly proud of ACDCs efforts, so Ive ripped them off.

Still with me? Okay, go down to the bottle-o and get yourself a slab. We can wait...

Right, now before we go on crack one and scull it. Keep doing this until the ceiling starts to spin. Excellent. Now youre ready.

Round balls (sung to the tune of ACDCs Big Balls)

E-C E-C E-C-D-B7

Our boys are always scoring and our stadiums are full,

and everybody comes and comes again.

If your name is on the team sheet, no-one can take you higher

cos the Socceroos are famous for their great balls of fire.

(Chorus)

I play with balls, you play with balls

theyre shiney round balls, scruffy round balls,

Yes he plays with balls and she plays with balls

but the Socceroos have the best ball skills of them all.

Some balls are held by defenders and some are held too long,

but when theyre held with pleasure, our boys are right on song

Our balls are always dribbling to the left and to the right

A good touch on the ball will help you win the fight.

Chorus

Now Johnny Warrens on cloud nine, and the games in extra time

and the clock is ticking down so he turns and slots the winning goal.

The crowd it roars and Johnnys lifted up

and raising his hand to God he says, I told you so.

Chorus

Socceroo, Socceroo, Socceroo, Socceroo, Socceroo, Socceroo...


Discipline makes you healthy, but it's boring

Discipline makes you healthy, but it's boring

Balance is a euphemism to abstinence

The Kiss

The Kiss

Lionel's favourite photo

Travelling on a plane full of Michelin men

Travelling on a plane full of Michelin men

Airdre on the consequences of having more than 7 kilos of carry on

Local Partners