Laurie Axtens - Call of the Loon

A severe case of the Fat-Warnies

Ive caught a bad case of the Fat-Warnies. Its a psycho-social condition which Ive just picked up. I only recently knew Id become infected when people stopped greeting me in the street with Hi Laurie! How are you? They began replacing these lovely sentiments with Gee, youre stacking it on or Have you heard of Gutbusters, fatboy? Alternatively, theyd make those circular gestures with their arms and blow out their cheeks.

I dont mind a bit of sledging so Ive been ignoring these amusing little quips, but I knew it was a full-blown infection after an incident last week. I was driving a couple of extremely drunken friends home after a party and they spent most of the half hour journey telling me how much of a fatty boombah I had become. Apparently I was also going to die early. Its a tragedy, this new super-sized loon, they badgered. I would have been satisfied if they had just said thanks for driving us home considering we can barely walk. But no, the desire to slag me off was too great.

Sure, its true Im carrying an extra tyre around my waist and any assessment would describe me as overweight, though I seem to come up a little short of obese. As Ive put on extra pounds recently it makes sense that my friends might have a quiet word or maybe even encourage me to join them in their exercise program, but this isnt about being overweight this is the Fat-Warnies.

As you may recall during his early days, before the infidelity and tasteless txt messaging, Shane Warne was under attack for carrying a few extra pounds. So much so that we started putting the prefix fat onto his name. It was about bringing him down a notch. After all, he was just a sportsperson. So how come he was so wealthy and well travelled? He openly admitted to only ever reading one book and yet he was writing in the papers. The gormless prat even flew baked beans into India, which is famed for its amazing cuisine. What a fat bastard.

How cool that you kind folks have actually gone to the trouble to Fat-Warnie me. And I thought you were just being scrawny, belly-jealous bastards. Its hilarious really I must be the shortest, roundest and least important tall poppy in history.

Anyway, looks like theres nothing for it but to embrace the new role. Splash a bit of peroxide through the hair, join a gym and start serial txt harassment. CU at the nets @ 10 2-nite. Dnt frget ur box. Prmise to fingr spin util U pull stmps. signd fat cracker.


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