If I was Santa Id be freaking. If I had my home and business at the North Pole Id be freaking worried.
For a start, global warming (a myth according to two Lismore councillors) is melting the ice cap and, unlike the Antarctic, there is no land under the North Pole. Dodgy property investment by the ho ho ho-ster. He even had to swap that old soak Rudolph and his sleigh for a jetski.
Tough times mean Santa has had to downsize the Elven workforce. Economic rationalism means that its cheaper to outsource gift production to a totalitarian state where the government and business hold all power and where the workers work for very little and have bugger all in the way of workers rights the sort of unsustainable, undemocratic, booming economy the Australian Government would sell its peoples assets for.
Anyway, if I was Santa Id have to give presents to people. Thats what Santa does. Even to people he doesnt like. (At least he doesnt have to buy them in supermarkets. Though I did see a Santa outside a mall yesterday having a fag with a young woman.)
Like that other icon of yuletide (the man who put the Christ into Christmas) once said, Love your enemies.
So, heres my gift list.
The English cricket team Kanga cricket set and R. Pontings book Winning Is Everything Ya Dick.
Al Gore a fair election. As environment minister of the world.
Peter Garrett Midnight Oil lyrics, all underlined. (And a meeting with Al.)
George W Bush a big print version of The Sermon On The Mount by J. Christ. With pictures. And audio tape. And an explainer guy.
John W Howard George Bush underpants and a longer tongue. (Forked.)
The two Lismore councillors who dont believe in global warming two weeks with the Victorian rural fire service. Or the Caribbean weather watch.
Bill Gates a Mac G5.
Ian Causley, Thomas George, Don Page a Chrissy card WITHOUT a photo of them on it.
The Echos departing editor a month with absolutely nothing to do.
Australian rural fire services ditto.
Osama Bin Laden A beard comb and girlfriend.
David Hicks citizenship in a country that cares for its citizens.
North Coast teenagers a sane transport system.
Schapelle Corby eyebrows.
Paris Hilton house swap with David Hicks.
Alan Jones six months on the dole.
The Iraqi people its too late now, but I wish they had received the gift of not having American oil under their deserts.
All The Echos readers love.
See ya in the new year.