Lifestyle

Joke is on the NBN

AUSTRALIA'S new $36 billion broadband was switched on last week, servicing seven people in rural New South Wales.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said, although the network would only service a small number of people, "all Australians will share in the joy of their really fast downloads".

Ms Gizzard said, despite the service costing about $6 billion per household, it was worth it so we could "laud it over Singapore".

"The fast broadband service will allow young people to download pirate movies and television in just a few minutes, giving them more time to do schoolwork and attend family meals," she said.

"We hope if really fast broadband works for the first seven customers that eventually we will be able to double the number of people getting it and open it up to at least two other rural communities."

Mr Gizzard said the slow roll-out would allow her to visit every fast broadband home and download her favourite episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

The Prime Minister denied rumours that she was about to marry her long-time partner and hairdresser Tim-something.

Tim, Australia's First Man, is often left waiting for cars and excluded from official invitations because no one can remember his name and he and the PM just live together.

Political observers said the success of the recent royal wedding may prompt Ms Gizzard to have a nationally televised wedding that could stop the nation.

She is understood to be searching for a bridesmaid with a nice bottom and a cousin with a bad hat.

Meanwhile fear is growing that Treasurer Wayne Duck may break the economy after he broke a glass on national television. The broken glass has also sparked speculation on comic book websites that Mr Duck may in fact have super powers and be hiding his true identity.

Myron Bennett from website comicsarereallycoolyeah.com said chat sites were ripe with the superhero speculation after Mr Duck demolished the glass with his bare hands. "We think it would explain a lot," Mr Bennett said. "Nobody could really be that boring."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said as a child he had once believed he was a superhero. "On one occasion I jumped out the window to see if I could fly," he said. "Luckily it was a ground floor window and I just crushed a few peonies."

Mr Abshot said Mr Duck had an obligation to tell Australians if he was an actual superhero.

The opposition leader denied he was bidding for Princess Beatrice's hat.

Thirsty Cow is a weekly humour column.

Topics:  humour, nbn, opinion, thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

From purr to a roar, Meow Meow is not kitten

ANYTHING IS PAWSIBLE: Acclaimed cabaret star Meow Meow returns to Lismore.

Anything can happen during her local shows this week

Not just any party, it's the Arty Party!

FOR ALL: The event will feature performers, local artists, storytellers, musicians and dancers.

A family-friendly, child-focused arts festival

More Northern River schools needed to be counted in

John Foreman and Jay Laga'aia at a songwriting workshop earlier this year.

Music - Count Us In will be held in November

Local Partners

Programmers' joke is on us

Airdre Grant gets back at her computer. It doesn't control everything!

How to manage sustainability

Deborah Benhayon - Open For Business.

What business has to do to maintain sustainable development.

From purr to a roar, Meow Meow is not kitten

ANYTHING IS PAWSIBLE: Acclaimed cabaret star Meow Meow returns to Lismore.

Anything can happen during her local shows this week

Not just any party, it's the Arty Party!

FOR ALL: The event will feature performers, local artists, storytellers, musicians and dancers.

A family-friendly, child-focused arts festival

More Northern River schools needed to be counted in

John Foreman and Jay Laga'aia at a songwriting workshop earlier this year.

Music - Count Us In will be held in November

All she wants is to be chosen

TAKE ME HOME: Daisy from pet shop to pound to your place.

Daisy has gone from puppy farm pet shop dog to the pound.

It's time to get your shorts on the big screen

ANIMATED: Citizen To Activist, an animation by David Lowe and Eve Jeffrey, won the Jury Award for best Short Film at Flickerfest 2015 - Byron AllShorts.

Entries for Flickerfest 2017 and Byron All Shorts are now open

These local movies will shine at 10th Byron Film Festival

LOCAL STORIES: One of the films featured this year is The Bentley Effect, a documentary about the Bentley Blockade.

THIS year marks a milestone for the Byron Bay Film Festival

Graceful Russian ballerinas will perform Swan Lake

ON STAGE: The Russian National Ballet Theatre brings their production of Swan Lake, the full length classical performance.

The Russian National Ballet Theatre is coming soon

Channel 9 orders second season of Doctor Doctor

Rodger Corser stars in the TV series Doctor Doctor.

RURAL medical drama finds a loyal following.

MOVIE REVIEW: Storks delivers family fun

A scene from the movie Storks.

ANIMATION can be hit or miss but when it hits, it hits hard.

Nick 'the snake' to call the shots on Survivor jury

Australian Survivor contestant Nick Iadanza.

LATEST evictee is out of the game but will still have a say.

From purr to a roar, Meow Meow is not kitten

ANYTHING IS PAWSIBLE: Acclaimed cabaret star Meow Meow returns to Lismore.

Anything can happen during her local shows this week

More Northern River schools needed to be counted in

John Foreman and Jay Laga'aia at a songwriting workshop earlier this year.

Music - Count Us In will be held in November

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber split

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber have split after 11 years together.

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.

Sunshine Beach property breaks real estate record

The property overlooks Sunshine Beach, as the backyard lawn meets the sand.

Sunshine Beach mansion sale smashes real estate record

SOLD: Historic hotel finds new owner

Post Office Hotel Grafton

Photo Adam Hourigan / The Daily Examiner

Pub in new hands and heading in a brand new direction

Peppers Airlie Beach put on the market

ON THE MARKET: Peppers Airlie Beach is being for recievership sale by CBRE Hotels and PRD Nationwide Airlie Beach.

Peppers Airlie Beach is being offered for sale.

3500 jobs on the way with new $950 million resort

Residential, tourist, community, and open space on Hummock Hill Island.

PROPERTY developers plan to begin construction next year.