AUSTRALIA'S new $36 billion broadband was switched on last week, servicing seven people in rural New South Wales.
Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said, although the network would only service a small number of people, "all Australians will share in the joy of their really fast downloads".
Ms Gizzard said, despite the service costing about $6 billion per household, it was worth it so we could "laud it over Singapore".
"The fast broadband service will allow young people to download pirate movies and television in just a few minutes, giving them more time to do schoolwork and attend family meals," she said.
"We hope if really fast broadband works for the first seven customers that eventually we will be able to double the number of people getting it and open it up to at least two other rural communities."
Mr Gizzard said the slow roll-out would allow her to visit every fast broadband home and download her favourite episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
The Prime Minister denied rumours that she was about to marry her long-time partner and hairdresser Tim-something.
Tim, Australia's First Man, is often left waiting for cars and excluded from official invitations because no one can remember his name and he and the PM just live together.
Political observers said the success of the recent royal wedding may prompt Ms Gizzard to have a nationally televised wedding that could stop the nation.
She is understood to be searching for a bridesmaid with a nice bottom and a cousin with a bad hat.
Meanwhile fear is growing that Treasurer Wayne Duck may break the economy after he broke a glass on national television. The broken glass has also sparked speculation on comic book websites that Mr Duck may in fact have super powers and be hiding his true identity.
Myron Bennett from website comicsarereallycoolyeah.com said chat sites were ripe with the superhero speculation after Mr Duck demolished the glass with his bare hands. "We think it would explain a lot," Mr Bennett said. "Nobody could really be that boring."
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said as a child he had once believed he was a superhero. "On one occasion I jumped out the window to see if I could fly," he said. "Luckily it was a ground floor window and I just crushed a few peonies."
Mr Abshot said Mr Duck had an obligation to tell Australians if he was an actual superhero.
The opposition leader denied he was bidding for Princess Beatrice's hat.
Thirsty Cow is a weekly humour column.