Shaking up the batting crew

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

PRIME Minister Julia Gizzard has revamped her batting line-up and sent some ministers back to politician school after a dud year in the polls.

Ms Gizzard said she was embarrassed that the Australian ministerial team had gone from number one ranked in the world for most of the past decade to now be worse than New Zealand.

She said it was inevitable the government would go through a period of rebuilding after the retirement of key strikers like Lindsay "mad dog" Tannerman and quality spinners like Kim Beastley (who later become thin and orange).

"I am sending key members of my team to a special camp to re-learn the basics of politics," she said.

"I am disturbed at reports that some MPs have begun making promises to their electorates.

"They need to be taught to never promise anything - just grin, nod, mumble and refer everything to a committee.

"They also need to learn that everything is the fault of the previous government, global forces beyond our control and negativity by the Opposition."

Ms Gizzard said former prime minister Kevin Rutt would be sent to special modesty classes where he would be required to listen to voices other than his own, and to talk a fair bit faster.

He would also be asked to carry the drinks for Cabinet for a few months and meet delegations of fellow citizens without personalities at Parliament House.

The Prime Minister defended dumping manufacturing minister Kim Vehicle who was generally perceived to be doing a good job.

"In a team we can't afford to have anybody that stands out," she said.

"Kim was just doing a good job to make the rest of us look bad."

She said dumped attorney-general Robert McYelland had to accept that he should have been a woman.

Ms Gizzard denied suggestions that she be dumped from the side for her own lack of form during 2011.

"I am due for a big score at any time," she said.

"I blame my lack of form on a green wicket economy, the previous government and global forces beyond my control."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. Thanks for all the emails asking that it return in 2012. Thirsty Cow will be back on January 23.

Topics:  humour humour column opinion thirsty cow

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Brave boy uncovers man's cow sex, child sexual abuse

A beast in the main arena at the 2012 Ekka.

Police praise boy for testimony of man's abuse and sex with a cow

DPI puts Dolphin Marine Magic 'all but out of business'

A battle over seal enclosures at Dolphin Marine Magic threatens the facility's ability to stay open, Coffs Harbour MP Andrew Fraser warns.

DPI crackdown a threat to Dolphin Marine Magic, warns MP

Young hands ensure a strong future for Lismore

PARKING MAD: The new parking restrictions around the Lismore Base Hospital had not been popular.

A promise is a promise and Mayor happy to have followed through.

Local Partners

Shark victim: "I just want to enjoy being alive today'

THE Byron Bay surfer attacked by a shark says he is lucky to be alive after a shark threw him from his board while surfing at Broken Head.

Barry Gibb is coming to Bluesfest 2017

FANS: Barry Gibb talks to a fan next to a cardboard cutout of his young self.

Aged 70, Gibb has re-launched his solo music career with a new album

Declan Kelly and the Rising Sun to shine bright at festival

Declan Kelly & The Rising Sun is one of the headlining acts at this year's festival.

Main stage set to pump with radiant reggae and dub vibes

Paul Capsis brings the nightlife to Tropical Fruits

LUMINOUS: Paul Capsis created a bespoke performance for NORPA's Generator fundraiser back in 2007.

As part of the Tropical Fruits Festival 2016.

Kanye West threatens to boycott Grammys

West says he won't go to the Grammys if Frank Ocean's not nominated

Why this actress wasn't embarrassed by nude photo leak

Leslie Jones source Bang

'If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask,' she said

Federal grant keeps NORPA telling our local stories

ANNOUNCEMENT: NORPA's Producer Marisa Snow, Artistic Director Julian Louis, General Manager Patrick Healy, Chair David Wolff, with Member for Page Kevin Hogan.

Arts company granted almost $400,00 over two years

Dad's Army comic genius Jim Perry dies

Jimmy Perry, the creator of Dad's Army.

Dad's Army series captured all that British people savour

Check out some fashions from the Coast festival

FASHION: Ocean Zen range.

Images from the Sunshine Coast Fashion Festival show what's hot

Australian Survivor's magician Matt out of tricks

Australian Survivor contestant Matt Tarrant.

SHOW'S power couple looks unstoppable in race to the finish.

Hinterland horse stud passed in for $8.25 million

UNREAL: This Maleny estate is incredible.

12-bedroom hinterland horse stud still available

Hit songwriter's Noosa mansion on market

SPECIAL PLACE: The Cintamani estate is going to tender, marketed by Tom Offermann Real Estate.

Is this Queensland's best property?

Kiwi siblings snap up Dotcom mansion for $32.5m

The new toy company owners of the Coatesville mansion want replace any controversy with positivity and fun. Photo / Barfoot and Thompson

The trio paid $32.5 million for the property in June

New $200 million development will create 580 jobs

Cassie And Josh with baby Alfie and daughter Andee. They have bought at new Lennox Head development Epiq.

Majority of new positions will be given to Northern Rivers locals

Cherrabah's mega resort plans axed

PLANS for a massive development at Cherrabah have been scrapped.

Dusit Thani finance crisis 'just a small hiccup'

ON TRACK: Springfield Land Chairman, Maha Sinnathamby, Ipswich Mayor Paul Pisasale, Developer Richard Turner and Springfield Land Deputy Chairman, Bob Sharpless, at the recent resort sod turning ceremony.

Property developer says project remains firmly on track