PRIME Minister Julia Gizzard has revamped her batting line-up and sent some ministers back to politician school after a dud year in the polls.
Ms Gizzard said she was embarrassed that the Australian ministerial team had gone from number one ranked in the world for most of the past decade to now be worse than New Zealand.
She said it was inevitable the government would go through a period of rebuilding after the retirement of key strikers like Lindsay "mad dog" Tannerman and quality spinners like Kim Beastley (who later become thin and orange).
"I am sending key members of my team to a special camp to re-learn the basics of politics," she said.
"I am disturbed at reports that some MPs have begun making promises to their electorates.
"They need to be taught to never promise anything - just grin, nod, mumble and refer everything to a committee.
"They also need to learn that everything is the fault of the previous government, global forces beyond our control and negativity by the Opposition."
Ms Gizzard said former prime minister Kevin Rutt would be sent to special modesty classes where he would be required to listen to voices other than his own, and to talk a fair bit faster.
He would also be asked to carry the drinks for Cabinet for a few months and meet delegations of fellow citizens without personalities at Parliament House.
The Prime Minister defended dumping manufacturing minister Kim Vehicle who was generally perceived to be doing a good job.
"In a team we can't afford to have anybody that stands out," she said.
"Kim was just doing a good job to make the rest of us look bad."
She said dumped attorney-general Robert McYelland had to accept that he should have been a woman.
Ms Gizzard denied suggestions that she be dumped from the side for her own lack of form during 2011.
"I am due for a big score at any time," she said.
"I blame my lack of form on a green wicket economy, the previous government and global forces beyond my control."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. Thanks for all the emails asking that it return in 2012. Thirsty Cow will be back on January 23.