Lifestyle

Raring to rule ... again

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

LABOR party powerbrokers have called in a group of historians to rewrite history in the hope that they can dust off former Prime Minister Kevin Rutt for another go at the top job.

Current Prime Minister Julia Gizzard is rapidly losing party support after all of her policies proved unpopular, or illegal.

One party insider said they hoped Australians would accept a new version of Mr Rutt's prime ministership.

He was also considering a new haircut and one new tie.

"At the moment the history books suggest that Mr Rutt wasted a whole lot of money on dodgy ceiling batts that burnt down homes, computers that never actually turned up and tiny tuckshop buildings suitable only for Smurfs," the insider said.

"He also might have spent all the money saved by the previous government on plasma televisions and the administration kind of came to a halt because he tried to run it by himself.

"There was also a couple of incidents involving chicken and hair dryers."

The insider said the new version of history would present Mr Rutt as an environmental hero who saved children from the drudgery of pre-iPad computers and cut obesity by building tuckshops too small to store excessive food.

"Kevin 11 will be the man who gave the nation big screen sport to take their mind off the problems he created, taught us to live more frugally because we had less money and tried to take full responsibility for the country to allow everyone else to have a bit of a rest," he said.

Political scientist Ray Pontificate said Mr Rutt may have been unpopular but the popularity scale was set much lower, making an 18% approval rating look "spectacular".

"At the moment Mr Rutt is unpopular, Julia is really unpopular and nobody has heard of anyone else," he said.

Some backbenchers fear that a return to Mr Rutt could collapse the government because the independents who hold the balance of power might not like him.

NSW independent Rob Buckshot said, if there was a change of leadership, he would need three weeks to consider it and around 23 minutes to explain it to the Australian people.

Treasurer Wayne Duck denied there was leadership speculation.

"That could be because nobody ever tells me anything," he said.

"I'm 100% behind everything and everyone."

Mr Rutt said he would not speculate on a leadership challenge but he was happy to look smug when asked questions about it.

"Certainly I would relish the opportunity to be back in the Lodge, plotting my revenge on the faceless men and women, and some with faces, who tossed me out," he said.

"Hang on, did I say that out loud?"


Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is not based on any real characters or events.

Topics:  humour, humour column, opinion, thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Feed brain and body will take care of the rest

Psychologist and author on brain nutrition and dealing with female stress, Delia McCabe, talks at Lismore's City Library.

Delia McCabe talks about her new book in Lismore: Feed The Brain.

Search for Lismore’s new supermodel

Senior finalists represented Lismore in the 2015 Tamblyn Model Discovery Grand Final.

Tamblyn Young Model Search held from Thursday at Lismore Square

Latest deals and offers

Was this band expelled from Splendour for nudity?

Melbourne bar owner says he saw UK rock band Fat White Family being escorted out of the backstage area

Search for Lismore’s new supermodel

Senior finalists represented Lismore in the 2015 Tamblyn Model Discovery Grand Final.

Tamblyn Young Model Search held from Thursday at Lismore Square

Woolworths to sack 500 staff, close at least 17 stores

This is despite the supermarket earning $2.5 billion for the year.

The best and worst bits of Splendour from our experts

The Amphitheatre received Flume with open arms and danced to his music on Sunday night.

Glitter, fake marriages, see-through clothing and gorgeous weather

Splendour found The Cure

Robert Smith at the Splendour in the Grass Amphitheatre stage during The Cure's show.

Day two of Splendour in the Grass

Gallery donations roll with thanks

Donors gather at The Regional Art Gallery hear from the architect, Dominic Finlay Jones, about the redevelopment of the gallery.

Regional Gallery thanks donors helping with redevelopment

NORPA brings My Radio Heart back

Performers in the NORPA co-production My Radio Heart, from left, Randolf Reimann, Phoebe Rose, Mathew Daymond, Claudie Frock, Zac Mifsud (sitting), and Lydian Dunbar. Photo Cathy Adams / The Northern Star

The piece premiered in 2014 in Lismore

Rob Kardashian 'neglected' by Blac Chyna

Friends say they are now 'back in love'

Isla Fisher: I don't like talking about my private life

Isla Fisher shut down TV hosts when they asked about her husband

Mariah Carey: I 'can't believe' Prince has gone

'Prince was one of the best people I've met'

Joe Jonas' 'tough' pals

Joe Jonas' pals are 'tough' with his potential partners

The Bachelor wash up: bacon, plank offs and that white rose

Richie Strahan, second from left, with bachelorettes Eliza, Faith, Noni and Janey in a scene from episode one of the fourth season of The Bachelor.

RICHIE Strahan meets some beautiful, and colourful, bachelorettes.

You can own this Queensland town for just $1

Yelarbon

Unprecedented auction of town's business centre with no reserve

Work starts on $15M Caloundra apartment building

Turning the first sod at the Aqua View Apartments site in Kings Beach are (from left) husband-and-wife developers Alex Yuan and Stella Sun with construction company Tomkins director Mike Tomkins and Councillor Tim Dwyer.

Developers excited about addition to Kings Beach skyline

Plans revealed for 1500-lot 'master-planned community'

Precinct will be bounded by Boundary St and Shoesmith Rd

Ecco Ripley sales run sparks prime release

MOVING IN: Sekisui House has announced the release of more residential blocks at Ecco Ripley.

Sekisui House is preparing to unveil more land at Ecco Ripley

Massive residential 9-storey high-rise hit by delays

An artist’s impression of the eight-storey-high apartment complex that Bernoth Holdings wants to build in South Toowoomba, next to the City Golf Club.

Developer struggles to get approved high-rise development started