Lifestyle

Foul-mouthed sandwich

CHEF Gordon Ramsay and I had a lot in common this week - and it's got nothing to do with whipping up a batch of seafood linguini served on a bed of freshly picked garden salad all lightly drizzled in a mixture of balsamic-based something or other.

No folks, I'm not beginning to cook like Gordon Ramsay, I'm beginning to sound like Gordon Ramsay. Which is better than looking like him I suppose.

And it's all thanks to one nasty little kitchen appliance.

This crappy little electrical appliance goes by the oh-so-innocent-sounding name of "The Sandwich Maker".

Let me be clear from the outset on this one, there is nothing innocent about this appliance.

Oh sure, it all sounds great when you're standing in the small electrical aisle reading the enticing directions on the side of the box.

"Easy to use - at the flick of a switch it will heat up in seconds - the red light will indicate when it's ready for use - comes with a full warranty". Impressive.

If only hubby had come with the same directions, it could have saved me a lot of time and trouble over the years.

But that's just the advertising jargon to lure you in.

I mean to say, what starved-for-time woman who hates cooking wouldn't be tempted into buying an appliance that can feed her constantly "starving" kids while claiming in big bold letters on the lid of the box, "No cooking required"?

When it comes to my all-time favourite three little words, you can forget the "I love yous" the "You look greats" and the "All day parking", give me the "No cooking required", that little phrase does it for me every time.

So naturally I bought one. And naturally I didn't buy the ridiculously expensive top-of-the-line one (why waste shoe money), I bought the little cheapie.

I proudly brought my new sandwich maker home and showed it to the kids.

All went well until it was time to clean the thing. Gooey cheese and bread had somehow baked itself into the grooves, and also around the edges of the sandwich maker, and also all over the kitchen bench and it wasn't going to budge without a fight.

Standing at the sink contemplating chiselling the stuff off I started channelling Gordon.

The instruction booklet had clearly stated, "To clean, simply wipe the non-stick surface with a paper towel". Wipe with a paper towel?

What moron wrote this #@%*? Obviously one who had never tried to clean a #**&%)* sandwich maker.

The word "simply" had no business being on those instructions.

And don't talk to me about the non-stick surface.

If that #*!!#%ˆ surface is non-stick, I'm a size 10 and my kids are angels.

There was also an unexpected find waiting for me on the underside of my sandwich maker.

Etched in small print was the wording, "Do not immerse in water".

Okay, two things wrong with this.

Firstly the wording was on the bottom of the appliance (probably put there by the same %!##*!! genius who wrote the instruction booklet) and secondly, if you have to put a warning like that on your appliance it's a safe bet I'm not the first frustrated cheese toastie maker who, out of sheer desperation, has considered soaking the wretched thing in the sink.

Time once again to do an incredibly accurate Gordon Ramsay impersonation.

Topics:  family taming opinion wendy's world


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Ups and downs in NBN quest to leave no home behind

Toowoomba's David Shinners and his son Hugh and wife Julie find online life easier with the NBN.

Faster broadband means fewer people will leave the regions for work.

Our love affair with the internet is growing

Gympie West's Micah, Kathy, Rob and Mitchell Pitt, with their dog Winston, enjoying their devices through the National Broadband Network.

We do it in bed, at work, in the kitchen ... and on the loo.

Waiting for NBN: what you need to do next

NBN's "check your address” feature shows the Rockhampton Morning Bulletin office should be able to connect to the National Broadband Network from January 2017.

Find out where your region is at with the NBN rollout.

Local Partners

REVIEW: Undressed is more than titilating entertainment

Nathan and Tahlia meet for the first time on the TV series Undressed.

'DIVERSE' dating show goes more than skin deep.

Will there be a Game of Thrones spin-off?

Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage in a scene from season six episode 10 of Game of Thrones.

HBO’S original programming president has teased fans.

Ed Sheeran's intimate gigs down under

Singer Ed Sheeran

CHART-topper playing invite-only shows in Australia next month.

Eddie McGuire's scandal-free focus and new-look Hot Seat

Eddie McGuire hosts the new Millionaire Hot Seat Super Game.

HOST wants out of the hot seat himself to focus on game show revamp.

Embattled Amber Sherlock back on TV after leaked video

Amber Sherlock seems to have brushed off the leaked video

Read Kim Kardashian's terrifying statement on robbery

“The individual with ski goggles rips out my BlackBerry phone.”

Historical home leaves family's hands after 75 years

SALE CONFIRMED: The Gympie Regional   Realty team which sold the Ramsey property are (back) Mel Gastigar, Dorothy Palmer and Margaret Cochrane, with (front) home seller Terri-Jayne Ramsey.

Ramsey family played a huge role in Gympie's growth.

Pat Rafter's $18m Coast home proves hot property

PAT'S PAD: The Sunshine Beach home of tennis ace Pat rafter is on the market for a record price.

"It's a record for our company and for the Sunshine Coast.''

INTERACTIVE MAP: Which Northern Rivers towns boomed in 2016?

BOOM TOWNS: While Ballina properties continued to attract top dollar in 2016, it was areas to the south that experienced price hikes, including Wardell, Evans Head and Woodburn.

Click on our map to find the median sale price in your town

Fincal Verdict: Rent or Buy?

Housing generic.

Australia's love affair with property seems to know no end

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!