Lifestyle

End of the world in doubt?

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

HISTORIANS and scientists have ruled out the end of the world in 2012 after a German expert re-read an old tablet.

German Sven Gnomemower said the famous Mayan reference to 2012 as the final apocalypse was actually referring to a new beginning and the return of an obscure god nobody heard of and who may not exist.

Despite the assurances, doomsayers on street corners remained convinced that the end was nigh.

"I'm not really sure what nigh is but I'm fairly sure it's coming," one wide-eyed person with long unkempt hair said.

"Politicians are debating gay marriage, European countries are going broke, the Chinese are the most entrepreneurial people in the world and Tony Abshot is ahead in the polls.

"Clearly something is askew in the universe."

US President Brack Oblama said he had ordered his government to make preparations for the end of the world "just in case".

"As we saw with the Y2K bug and the Kevin 07 government policies," he said, "generally if you waste billions of dollars preparing for something, it is a guarantee that it will never happen."

Ordinary punter Bill said he was concerned about the end of the world because he had bought tickets to the tennis many months in advance.

"I'm hopeful that the world ending will not void the full refund policy," he said.

Greens Leader Bob Frown said he was looking forward to the end of the world so he could say "I told you so" to everyone.

"If the world ends next year we can blame food packaging, electricity, cars and woodchipping of native forests," he said.

"It will be a valuable lesson that we should always listen to discredited ancient proclamations from extinct races about obscure gods that may or may not exist."

Mr Gnomemower said the Mayan text was carved about 1300 years ago and might be slightly unreliable.

"The stone has also cracked, making the end of the passage almost illegible," he said.

"Making a solid prediction about the end of the world based on an old piece of stone from a race that didn't survive using text that is probably wrong may not be particularly smart."

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she hoped the world would not end next year but her only reliable advice on the subject had come from a John Cusack movie she had watched on DVD at the lodge.

"According to the movie the world will pretty much break up and the oceans will rise," she said.

"Based on my track record this year I fully expect to be blamed for that."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. Any similarities with real people and situations is not the end of the world.

Topics:  humour, humour column, opinion, thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Not whether we win or lose, but how we play

Not whether you win or lose but how you play the game.

Could farming the secret to longevity and living to 100?

Reg Allen turns 100 with staff, friends and family at St Joseph's Nursing Home in Lismore.

Gentle man turns 100 with wife by his side.

No chutney and scones on verandah today

Dr Airdre Grant

Life in the country you don't see in the magazines.

Latest deals and offers

What price would you put on a kid's 'miracle'?

WHAT price would you put on your kids’ eyesight? If you could give someone their vision back for $32, would you do it?

Mayor's plan to bring Son of Lismore's cabinet home

TALENTED: Geoff Hannah with Minister For The Arts Mitch Fifield, Jenny Dowell, Kevin Hogan, Thomas George and Brett Adlington at the opening and unveiling of his work at Lismore Regional Gallery.

Mayor Dowell wants famous cabinet for regional gallery

Flood watch issued for Qld, NSW

NSW State Emergency Service warns of heavy rain

Blood-stained clothes seized after axe attack

Lismore Court House.

A landlord has been charged over an axe attack on her tenant

School girl porn ring site goes offline

The Federal Government is yet to confirm if the site has been taken down or simply moved to different offshore servers.

Controversial Australian nude school girl rating site disappears.

Renowned cabinet maker at our gallery

SHARP END:

Renowned cabinet-maker talks at new exhibition

Patti Smith confirmed for Bluesfest 2017

CONFIRMED: US singer Patti Smith performing in Switzerland last year.

Find out who else in the first line up announcement

Doco reveals real story behind Black Hawk Down

Former Black Hawk pilot Mike Durant shares his story, which helped to inspire the movie Black Hawk Down, in the TV series No Man Left Behind.

FORMER pilot recounts ordeal which inspired a Hollywood movie.

What's on the big screen this week

Toby Kebbell and Jack Huston in a scene from the movie Ben-Hur.

AN OLD classic returns to the big screen with a new young star.

Bachelor Richie gives bacon-loving Noni the boot

Noni Janur features on this season of The Bachelor.

TOOWOOMBA swimwear designer still single but focusing on her career.

Zumbo's Just Desserts serves up magical dishes

Gigi Falanga, left, joins hosts Adriano Zumbo and Rachel Khoo on the TV series Zumbo's Just Desserts.

ADRIANO Zumbo’s decadent creations have become prime-time viewing.

Sir Cliff Richard feels 'best' after sex abuse allegations

Sir Cliff Richard is 'back' to his best after sex abuse claims

Blac Chyna sued after car injured 2 women

Blac Chyna is being sued after her friend crashed into another car

ISLAND FOR SALE: Cheap Fraser Coast island drops price again

Suna Island in the Great Sandy Strait will be auctioned by Ray White Hervey Bay on Saturday morning.

This is the cheapest island you will find for sale in Australia

How a family home can fit on a 250sq m block

This is what you can build on 250m2.

Here's the floor plan of a home built on 250sq m

Investors eye Gladstone's $4m island with resort approval

UP FOR SALE: Turtle Island is on the market.

CHINESE and Sydney investors flag interest in Gladstone island.

Take a sneak peek at this $19m Whitsunday mansion

Mandalay House features a private helipad.

Mandalay is currently on the market with an asking price of $19m

Guess which Sunshine Coast suburb cracked the million dollar list?

This four-bedroom home at 26 McAnally Dr, Sunshine Beach was for sale for $7 million.

List of Australia's five most-expensive suburbs

Does it get any better than this? Check out this $2M home

LUXURY LIVING: The Coral Cove home built by Steve Coates Constructions that took out the best home over $2 million and the Wide Bay Burnett House of the Year at the Master Builders Wide Bay Burnett Housing and Construction Awards.

Wide Bay's best home is right on our doorstep