Lifestyle

End of the world in doubt?

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

HISTORIANS and scientists have ruled out the end of the world in 2012 after a German expert re-read an old tablet.

German Sven Gnomemower said the famous Mayan reference to 2012 as the final apocalypse was actually referring to a new beginning and the return of an obscure god nobody heard of and who may not exist.

Despite the assurances, doomsayers on street corners remained convinced that the end was nigh.

"I'm not really sure what nigh is but I'm fairly sure it's coming," one wide-eyed person with long unkempt hair said.

"Politicians are debating gay marriage, European countries are going broke, the Chinese are the most entrepreneurial people in the world and Tony Abshot is ahead in the polls.

"Clearly something is askew in the universe."

US President Brack Oblama said he had ordered his government to make preparations for the end of the world "just in case".

"As we saw with the Y2K bug and the Kevin 07 government policies," he said, "generally if you waste billions of dollars preparing for something, it is a guarantee that it will never happen."

Ordinary punter Bill said he was concerned about the end of the world because he had bought tickets to the tennis many months in advance.

"I'm hopeful that the world ending will not void the full refund policy," he said.

Greens Leader Bob Frown said he was looking forward to the end of the world so he could say "I told you so" to everyone.

"If the world ends next year we can blame food packaging, electricity, cars and woodchipping of native forests," he said.

"It will be a valuable lesson that we should always listen to discredited ancient proclamations from extinct races about obscure gods that may or may not exist."

Mr Gnomemower said the Mayan text was carved about 1300 years ago and might be slightly unreliable.

"The stone has also cracked, making the end of the passage almost illegible," he said.

"Making a solid prediction about the end of the world based on an old piece of stone from a race that didn't survive using text that is probably wrong may not be particularly smart."

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she hoped the world would not end next year but her only reliable advice on the subject had come from a John Cusack movie she had watched on DVD at the lodge.

"According to the movie the world will pretty much break up and the oceans will rise," she said.

"Based on my track record this year I fully expect to be blamed for that."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. Any similarities with real people and situations is not the end of the world.

Topics:  humour, humour column, opinion, thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

These local movies will shine at 10th Byron Film Festival

LOCAL STORIES: One of the films featured this year is The Bentley Effect, a documentary about the Bentley Blockade.

THIS year marks a milestone for the Byron Bay Film Festival

Graceful Russian ballerinas will perform Swan Lake

ON STAGE: The Russian National Ballet Theatre brings their production of Swan Lake, the full length classical performance.

The Russian National Ballet Theatre is coming soon

Baird dogged by fears greyhound ban will cost Nationals seat

Mike Baird may hold off on implementing the greyhound racing ban until 2020 as he tries to woo voters back into the National fold before the Orange by-election.

Could Orange by-election force Baird to delay greyhound racing ban?

Local Partners

All she wants is to be chosen

Daisy has gone from puppy farm pet shop dog to the pound and she just wants a home.

It's time to get your shorts on the big screen

ANIMATED: Citizen To Activist, an animation by David Lowe and Eve Jeffrey, won the Jury Award for best Short Film at Flickerfest 2015 - Byron AllShorts.

Entries for Flickerfest 2017 and Byron All Shorts are now open

These local movies will shine at 10th Byron Film Festival

LOCAL STORIES: One of the films featured this year is The Bentley Effect, a documentary about the Bentley Blockade.

THIS year marks a milestone for the Byron Bay Film Festival

Graceful Russian ballerinas will perform Swan Lake

ON STAGE: The Russian National Ballet Theatre brings their production of Swan Lake, the full length classical performance.

The Russian National Ballet Theatre is coming soon

Baird dogged by fears greyhound ban will cost Nationals seat

Mike Baird may hold off on implementing the greyhound racing ban until 2020 as he tries to woo voters back into the National fold before the Orange by-election.

Could Orange by-election force Baird to delay greyhound racing ban?

Are government staffers talking Wentworth Park sale?

Greyhounds race at the Wentworth Park ahead of the industry's July 2017 shutdown.

No answer on whether government staff discussed Wentworth Parl sale

Justice delayed is justice denied in NSW courts

Court backlogs trigger push for break and enter law change

Communication breakdown in NSW fishing reforms

State-wide commercial fishing industry reforms have left fishers confused about their futures.

Non-English speaking fishers confused at industry-wide reforms

Classic car auction draws buyers from US, Dubai

"He wants everyone to enjoy the cars, the collection got too big'

PREVIEW: Luke Cage origin story is a strong addition to MCU

Mike Colter in a scene from the TV series Marvel's Luke Cage.

MIKE Colter stars as latest Marvel superhero to get his own series.

Kate goes down fighting in heated Survivor elimination

Australian Survivor contestant Kate Campbell.

YOGA teacher's 'good guys' alliance fails to get off the ground.

Emily Blunt's (almost) singing career

Emily Blunt nearly became the British Britney Spears.

Angelina is blocking calls from Brad Pritt

Angelina Jolie has reportedly blocked Brad Pitt's number.

Apocalyptica 'seek and destroy' sceptics with 'master' set

Apocalyptica play Max Watts in Brisbane on their Shadowmaker Tour.

Review of final show of Apocalyptica's tour

Rebecca Hall doesn't own a TV

Newspapers, yes. Television, not so much

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.

Sunshine Beach property breaks real estate record

The property overlooks Sunshine Beach, as the backyard lawn meets the sand.

Sunshine Beach mansion sale smashes real estate record

SOLD: Historic hotel finds new owner

Post Office Hotel Grafton

Photo Adam Hourigan / The Daily Examiner

Pub in new hands and heading in a brand new direction

Peppers Airlie Beach put on the market

ON THE MARKET: Peppers Airlie Beach is being for recievership sale by CBRE Hotels and PRD Nationwide Airlie Beach.

Peppers Airlie Beach is being offered for sale.

3500 jobs on the way with new $950 million resort

Residential, tourist, community, and open space on Hummock Hill Island.

PROPERTY developers plan to begin construction next year.