Boat ban move floated

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

THE Federal Government is moving to ban boats after all other attempts at deterring asylum seekers failed.

Immigration Minister Chris Broken said he realised banning boats might be "somewhat inconvenient" for the fishing industry and recreational boat owners.

"But we simply can't let poor people from dangerous, impoverished countries arrive on our doorstep expecting food and welfare," he said.

"We have to stop these people before they ruin our way of life with their constant griping just because we lock them up for years in the middle of the desert."

Mr Broken said the boat ban might hurt the fishing industry in the short term but he would be encouraging fishermen to instead use jetties and wander into estuaries wearing high rubber boots.

"My old grandpappy could land a couple of big catfish in an afternoon down at the river with a handline so I am fairly confident professional fishermen could match that effort," he said.

"People who are used to boating for fun on the weekend might miss this for a while but eventually they should find more useful ways to spend their time, such as card games and collecting rubbish in the local park."

Mr Broken said the government would be funding a boat buy-back scheme, similar to the gun buy-back of the 1990s, to ensure the ban did not leave people out of pocket.

He said in the initial stages the ban would not extend to sailboards or surfboards with paddles "but if we get a whole lot of surfboards floating in with 10 refugees on the back we will have to ban those too".

Mr Broken denied the boat ban was extreme or un-Australian.

He said the government had tried locking people in dingy cells, threatening fines, trying to flog refugees to Malaysia and even television ads assuring refugees that they would be eaten by crocodiles if they came to Australia.

Ordinary punter Bill said he would miss his tinnie but he hoped to be able to pull it apart and use the material to make a garden shed.

Greens leader Bob Frown said he could not comment until he had received a script from the Commonwealth Ombudsman.

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he once got seasick on a boat and turned "a fairly disturbing shade of green".

He said he would support the boat ban as long as the boat buy-back could be conducted on the island of Nauru.

"I know everyone would be expecting me to criticise the boat ban but I have decided not to in the hope that I will be seen as an interesting, open-minded, new-age politician prepared to embrace new ideas, even dumb ones," Mr Abshot said.

Thirsty Cow is fiction. Yes, we made it up.

Thirsty Cow  is a weekly humour column.

Topics:  humour opinion thirsty cow

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Ups and downs in NBN quest to leave no home behind

Toowoomba's David Shinners and his son Hugh and wife Julie find online life easier with the NBN.

Faster broadband means fewer people will leave the regions for work.

Our love affair with the internet is growing

Gympie West's Micah, Kathy, Rob and Mitchell Pitt, with their dog Winston, enjoying their devices through the National Broadband Network.

We do it in bed, at work, in the kitchen ... and on the loo.

Waiting for NBN: what you need to do next

NBN's "check your address” feature shows the Rockhampton Morning Bulletin office should be able to connect to the National Broadband Network from January 2017.

Find out where your region is at with the NBN rollout.

Local Partners

New doco argues ‘OJ Simpson is innocent, and I can prove it’

O.J. Simpson

NEW documentary series claims to have found “missing evidence".

REVIEW: Undressed is more than titilating entertainment

Nathan and Tahlia meet for the first time on the TV series Undressed.

'DIVERSE' dating show goes more than skin deep.

Will there be a Game of Thrones spin-off?

Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage in a scene from season six episode 10 of Game of Thrones.

HBO’S original programming president has teased fans.

Ed Sheeran's intimate gigs down under

Singer Ed Sheeran

CHART-topper playing invite-only shows in Australia next month.

Eddie McGuire's scandal-free focus and new-look Hot Seat

Eddie McGuire hosts the new Millionaire Hot Seat Super Game.

HOST wants out of the hot seat himself to focus on game show revamp.

Embattled Amber Sherlock back on TV after leaked video

Amber Sherlock seems to have brushed off the leaked video

Historical home leaves family's hands after 75 years

SALE CONFIRMED: The Gympie Regional   Realty team which sold the Ramsey property are (back) Mel Gastigar, Dorothy Palmer and Margaret Cochrane, with (front) home seller Terri-Jayne Ramsey.

Ramsey family played a huge role in Gympie's growth.

Pat Rafter's $18m Coast home proves hot property

PAT'S PAD: The Sunshine Beach home of tennis ace Pat rafter is on the market for a record price.

"It's a record for our company and for the Sunshine Coast.''

INTERACTIVE MAP: Which Northern Rivers towns boomed in 2016?

BOOM TOWNS: While Ballina properties continued to attract top dollar in 2016, it was areas to the south that experienced price hikes, including Wardell, Evans Head and Woodburn.

Click on our map to find the median sale price in your town

Fincal Verdict: Rent or Buy?

Housing generic.

Australia's love affair with property seems to know no end

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!