Black hole our 'best hope'

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

THE global economy has been declared "totally screwed" by economists after Europe was confirmed officially broke and the American debt became too large to fit on a calculator screen.

Economists said the best hope for the world economy for the next decade would be if it got sucked into a giant black hole that astronomers have found eating half the universe.

The news has been worsened by the revelation that Kim Karcrashian's super-publicised marriage ended after a few days and her latest miracle weight loss program may not be a miracle.

She may also be slightly unhappy.

There was good news and bad news for the Australian economy with interest rates down, economic growth up, employment down and Channel Nine in trouble.

Economist Paul Beancounter said the news was good for home owners, bad for workers, good for mining and bad for Bert Newton.

"Who am I kidding?" he said with a sigh.

"It's all over the shop and I don't have a flying rabbit of a clue what's going on."

Mr Beancounter said it appeared that the only part of the economy growing was in isolated areas of Queensland and the Western Australian desert.

"Sadly there are not many people there and the growth is hard to spot, like cattle on ranches the size of Victoria," he said.

"The people tend to just fly in and fly out and send everything off to China.

"China pays money for what we dig up but it mostly seems to end up in Europe where it is sucked into a giant black hole."

Treasurer Wayne Duck said, despite employment going backwards, the economy was going forwards.

"Businesses are just sacking people because they are worried but the economy overall is very sound, but of course businesses don't believe that because nobody is buying anything," he said.

"Who am I kidding? I don't really have a clue what's going on either. Hang on, did I say that out loud?"

Greens Leader Bob Frown said, despite the economic gloom, he still hoped to receive some cufflinks made from gum nuts for Christmas.

Meanwhile astronomers say they have found a black hole that has eaten billions of suns and is 10 times the size of the solar system.

"This thing is bloody big," astronomer Paul Gazer said.

"By tracking down and measuring these massive black holes at huge public expense we will be able to better understand how their host galaxies were assembled, and how the holes achieved such monstrous mass.

"Why we would actually want to know any of that is one of the great mysteries of the universe."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is made up yada yada yada. Next week will be the last Thirsty Cow for 2011. If you would like Thirsty Cow to return in 2012 please let us know by emailing

Topics:  humour humour column opinion thirsty cow

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

MoB please... not wine barrell

Dr Airdre Grant

What is fit for the Mother Of The Bride.

Young hands ensure a strong future for Lismore

PARKING MAD: The new parking restrictions around the Lismore Base Hospital had not been popular.

A promise is a promise and Mayor happy to have followed through.

Nursing home carer 'heard moaning' before residents died

Outside Sydney Supreme Court for the trial of accused murderer Megan Jean Haines are (from left) Shannon Parkinson (granddaughter of suspected murder victim and St Andrew's aged care centre resident Marie Darragh), Janet Parkinson (sister) and Charli Darragh (daughter).

On-duty carer first met accused murderer night before two women died

Local Partners

Selma Blair blames flight outburst on 'psychotic blackout'

Selma Blair

"I am someone who should never drink, and I rarely do"

Bob Dylan acknowledges Nobel Prize win

Bob Dylan has finally acknowledged his Nobel Prize win

WATCH: Trailer for Jackman's final Wolverine film released

First trailer for the last Wolverine film with Hugh Jackman.

Thrilling trailer promises a dark, dystopian finale for Wolverine

CCTV footage surfaces of Kim Kardashian West's robbers

The blurry footage shows three men on bikes and two on foot

Cathriona White's mother claims to have Jim Carrey's results

Jim Carrey and late ex-girlfriend Cathriona White

SHE claims Carrey exposed White to herpes, chlamydia, Hepatitis A

The Koi Boys are back with more covers and original songs

Former Voice contestants The Koi Boys have signed with Universal Music.

THE Voice favourites release their debut album today.

New $200 million development will create 580 jobs

Cassie And Josh with baby Alfie and daughter Andee. They have bought at new Lennox Head development Epiq.

Majority of new positions will be given to Northern Rivers locals

Cherrabah's mega resort plans axed

PLANS for a massive development at Cherrabah have been scrapped.

Dusit Thani finance crisis 'just a small hiccup'

ON TRACK: Springfield Land Chairman, Maha Sinnathamby, Ipswich Mayor Paul Pisasale, Developer Richard Turner and Springfield Land Deputy Chairman, Bob Sharpless, at the recent resort sod turning ceremony.

Property developer says project remains firmly on track

Heavyweight enters real estate market

Des Besanko principal and director of Raine and Horne Springfield.

Major rebranding which has seen two big name brands merge

Bank could add towns to 'high-risk' home loan list

Suburban housing in Glenvale, Toowoomba, Friday, October 17, 2014. Photo Kevin Farmer / The Chronicle

NEW Gladstone region towns could be added unwanted bank list.

Tenants renting rooms on Airbnb breaching lease

Rental properties.

Tenants renting rooms on Airbnb is a no no