THE global economy has been declared "totally screwed" by economists after Europe was confirmed officially broke and the American debt became too large to fit on a calculator screen.
Economists said the best hope for the world economy for the next decade would be if it got sucked into a giant black hole that astronomers have found eating half the universe.
The news has been worsened by the revelation that Kim Karcrashian's super-publicised marriage ended after a few days and her latest miracle weight loss program may not be a miracle.
She may also be slightly unhappy.
There was good news and bad news for the Australian economy with interest rates down, economic growth up, employment down and Channel Nine in trouble.
Economist Paul Beancounter said the news was good for home owners, bad for workers, good for mining and bad for Bert Newton.
"Who am I kidding?" he said with a sigh.
"It's all over the shop and I don't have a flying rabbit of a clue what's going on."
Mr Beancounter said it appeared that the only part of the economy growing was in isolated areas of Queensland and the Western Australian desert.
"Sadly there are not many people there and the growth is hard to spot, like cattle on ranches the size of Victoria," he said.
"The people tend to just fly in and fly out and send everything off to China.
"China pays money for what we dig up but it mostly seems to end up in Europe where it is sucked into a giant black hole."
Treasurer Wayne Duck said, despite employment going backwards, the economy was going forwards.
"Businesses are just sacking people because they are worried but the economy overall is very sound, but of course businesses don't believe that because nobody is buying anything," he said.
"Who am I kidding? I don't really have a clue what's going on either. Hang on, did I say that out loud?"
Greens Leader Bob Frown said, despite the economic gloom, he still hoped to receive some cufflinks made from gum nuts for Christmas.
Meanwhile astronomers say they have found a black hole that has eaten billions of suns and is 10 times the size of the solar system.
"This thing is bloody big," astronomer Paul Gazer said.
"By tracking down and measuring these massive black holes at huge public expense we will be able to better understand how their host galaxies were assembled, and how the holes achieved such monstrous mass.
"Why we would actually want to know any of that is one of the great mysteries of the universe."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is made up yada yada yada. Next week will be the last Thirsty Cow for 2011. If you would like Thirsty Cow to return in 2012 please let us know by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Located in the very popular Pacific Vista area, this two storey brick home is perfect for a large family or the astute investor. Overlooking a leafy park and an...
Positioned on a large leafy block and only 300 metres to dog friendly Tallow beach, this property presents an outstanding opportunity to purchase a solid original...
- 141 ACRES OF GRAZING LAND ON 2 SEPARATE TITLES - EACH WITH A BUILDING ENTITLEMENT * One Lot being 85.50 acres (LOT 4) & the other being 56.09 acres...
Great buying in the hinterland and only 20 minutes drive to Byron Bay in the charming village of Federal, is this beautifully maintained property that boasts a...
• Large family home on sunny 1148sqm north facing parcel less than 1km to Mullumbimby town centre! • DA approved plans for addition of 3 bedroom...
MORE DETAILS TO FOLLOW Property Code: 832
Lifestyle Acreage In Central Location This beautiful estate is set on over 16 acres of established gardens and park-like grounds. The property embraces a main...
Modern Beachfront Living with an Awesome Seascape... A penthouse lifestyle is offered from this terrace style home of generous proportions - designed around...
This large ground floor luxury apartment is in the Byron Links, one of the best resort style complexes in the area, and offers a private garden courtyard. Make the...
Here is a rare opportunity to purchase a stunning 4 acres with sunny and comfortable house and pool, plus gardens, orchard, chicken coup and paddocks that make the...
Join the Community.
Get your local news, your way.
Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.